It took me a long time…but there was finally a time after the therapy/coaching and hitting my head against the wall so many times I thought I had a permanent concussion from dating unavailable men, that something shifted in me.
One day, I woke up and didn’t want that crap anymore and I had to have a tough moment where I needed to fess up to myself that it was ME choosing them. Again and again.
I was the one buying the ticket to the crazy train and that was on me.
After some pretty solid self work, I dated a great guy. Before we start the applause and cheers, let me admit something to you…..it wasn’t easy.
Things would be going well and then I would freak out. For the weirdest reasons that weren’t even real reasons.
I would come up with excuses of why it would never work.
Talk myself out of it.
Push him away.
Quietly sabotage it because after years and years of shouting “where are all the good ones??” I actually had no idea what to do with one when he showed up.
It felt weird and super duper uncomfortable. “This person likes me?? Don’t they know how ridiculous I am? What happens when they see all of the crazy hanging out??? This could get really messy.”
I was talking myself out of it before any of the really good stuff could even happen.
At that point, I had to have the hard conversation with myself about why it felt wrong when someone kept giving me everything right?
When he kept caring about me and then asked me to trust him.
Doing all of the things that I had actually been talking about for all of those years.
What the heck was wrong with me???
So here is what I figured out and I wanted to share some of my growing pains with you.
If we do not like ourselves very much, question our worth and if we are truly capable of having a healthy relationship, when someone starts to like you it just doesn’t make sense.
It doesn’t compute in our subconscious brain.
We learned when we were young that love looks a certain way (probably not a healthy one) and it just doesn’t match up in your head.
So instead of feeling good when someone kind likes us and treats us well, we have learned to know and accept halfass, unavailable or partial love because that is what we know. That is what feels comfortable to us.
That is what has become your kind of love and by the way, that is crap.
These are the moments, Sugarpants, where you have to check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Having a hard time knowing if you do this? Here are some telltale signs. You will say that someone who likes you is “too nice.”
Even though they are doing what you know is appropriate, you will feel like it is clingy or too much. “Why is he all up in my grill? Why is he asking me so many questions? Why does he want to know so much about me? Does he have an ulterior motive?”
Even though you initially thought they were cute, you now don’t find them attractive because what they are doing feels weird to you. “Hmmm, are they really that cute? I should ask my friends.”
They are too supportive! (I am just shaking my head on that one, ladies.)
You may even think that they seem weak because they are making themselves vulnerable and available to you. “Doesn’t he have anything better to do than ask me about my day?”
But this is some messed up kind of bs we have bought into.
That a kind, healthy person who can give and receive love is too needy. Yes, let’s throw away the guys that show up regularly, ask us questions and listen to the answers and have the ability to create something great with us. Let’s do that.
Instead, we spend our days chasing the unavailable guys because we are going to love him until he loves himself! Even if it takes years!!! We are in this to win this no matter how shitty it makes us feel! Then we will have earned their love and they will never, ever go away!
Good luck with that. Tell me how that goes for you.
The lesson: if good people liking you makes you feel uncomfortable and you sabotage it, you need to step up and take care of that stuff because that isn’t magically going to go away. You are just going to keep dating people who are comfortable and most likely unhealthy.
What did I do? I did something I never did before. I told him my fears. I shared what I was worried about.
I let him in on what I was freaking out about and why and more importantly what he should do when that happened to help me work through it.
I gave him the owner’s manual to my heart.
So he could succeed and we could create something together.
I stopped struggling with myself and gave into the love. I went all in.
Because love has to go both ways and for all those years I had learned how to give but forgot to learn how to receive.
It changed my life.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
- The Real Reason You Are Not Getting The Love You Want - May 12, 2016