These days my friendships standards are about as high as the standards I have for men. I’ve had a lot of friendships over the years and since I’m getting married soon, I definitely know what I’m looking for– and what I’m not.
1. You’re a Dude Who Is Attracted to Me
If you’re the kind of guy to ask a girl out and when she tells you she’s taken you reply with, “Well, we can be friends right?” The answer is no. Just no. Go away. The last thing a chick needs is some dude hanging around, waiting for his ‘chance.’ You’re slimy and pitiful.
I’ve had a lot of guy friends over the years and the only ones that really worked are the ones where it was genuine friendship–never when it was a guy who liked me. That always just caused all sorts of problems. We can be acquaintances, sure. Just not friends.
2. You’re a ‘Single Girl’
Look, I have nothing against single chicks– especially the ones that are doing it right. You know, the girls enjoying themselves, pursuing their dreams and not needing to be in a relationship to feel good about themselves. I love you, girls.
I just can’t be friends with you.
Now hear me out. As someone in a relationship, I come across the following two problems:
- You constantly insist on Girls Night, with a heavy dose of “No boys allowed!” Look, I get not wanting to have people in love constantly all up in your face. But if you’re always trying to get me to go out with you under the ‘no boys’ pretenses, then that also means you can’t be shoving your tongue down some dude’s throat at last call, while I’m sitting there bored, wishing I could be doing the same with my boy who for some reason wasn’t allowed.
- You inevitably fall down the boyfriend rabbit hole. Like you’re such a cool, fun independent chick until you get a boyfriend, then it’s like “poof” you disappear after having basically crawled up his asshole. Of course, I understand the honeymoon period but making time for your friends is paramount. If you can’t do brunch or grab a glass of wine with me semi-regularly because of him, I’m going to be pissed. Especially since I’m engaged myself and make you a priority.
3. You’re Negative
I made it a point not too long ago to rid my world of negative people. I’m not saying you can’t go through a hard time–we all do– but if you’re the person who always spots the negative in every situation, complains all the time, or if you aren’t happy, then no one can be happy– we definitely can’t be friends.
As an empath, I absorb other people’s moods, and if you’re constantly in a shitty one it’s just not good for my well-being. It’s not you, it’s me. No, but really it’s you.
4. You Only Want to Party
My party animal days are over. Don’t get me wrong I still like to have fun– but I just don’t find nightclubs to be all that fun anymore. If we’re going to be friends, you need to be just as enjoyable grabbing a coffee as you are at the club. And if you only want to go out? No, thanks.
5. You Plan Everything Last Minute
Look, I’m busy and my calendar is usually pretty packed. If you text me at 5 pm “dinner tonight?” it’s very rare I’ll happen to have nothing going on. Of course, if we’re friends I can make time for you, but I need more than just a heads up. I deserve to have my schedule respected and be more than just an afterthought. If you have something in mind, do us both a favor and plan a little ahead.
6. You Don’t Get My Humor
I’m not a comedienne (anymore) but if you don’t think I’m even a little bit funny, this won’t work. I swear a lot, make crazy analogies, am easily amused, sarcastic and might gently poke fun at you but if my mom can take it–so can you.
7. You’re Insecure
We all have our moments but if I’m spending 70% of my oxygen intake trying to convince you that “No, you’re not fat.” “Yes, I think you’re pretty.” and “No, I have no idea why he hasn’t called you yet.” We can’t be friends.
Especially, if you’re the worst kind of insecure that goes off about how awesome you are all the time and drowns everyone in false confidence. No. Thank. You.
8. You Don’t Have Passion
Goals, hopes, and dreams? Or Nah? You can’t be basic or as my girl crush Ronda Rousey would say: “a do nothin’ bitch.” Sure, call it selfish but I want to be surrounded by amazing, kickass, driven women. Yeah I want friends I can admire and that can also lend an ear or offer some badass advice, rather than roll their eyes if I want to talk shop. Let’s grow together, cheer each other on and support each other. You know, like what friendship is all about?
9. You’re Mean to Other People
Look, I was a mean girl when I was 15 (only to other mean girls though) but then I grew up. Now I’d rather help people to feel good about themselves. If you like to pick on people you consider to be weaker than you, are mean to people in the service industry, or talk shit behind people’s backs, this just won’t work. I’m into building others up rather than tearing them down and being friends with someone who lives otherwise undermines that.
10. You’re Always Broke
I don’t give a shit if you’re loaded or whether or not you spend a single dime on me, but perpetually broke friends suck for a whole host of reasons. If you aren’t sitting there with a calculator analyzing the bill, then you’re asking someone to spot you, because you don’t have money, again. You never have money, so if you borrow from me there’s a solid chance I’ll never see it again. I hate reminding people to pay me back or that I got dinner last time, so that sort of things tends to build resentment.
Besides, if you’re always broke it signifies to me that you’re not willing to work on yourself or pursue bigger goals.
11. I Hate Your Sig Other
If you’re my friend you’ll realize real quick that I’m honest to a fault. Most people learn not to ask me for advice if they want to be told whatever it is they want to hear. I don’t do that. I’m not an asshole, but I don’t sugarcoat either. So if you’re with a guy who treats you badly–I’m not going to be able to keep my mouth shut. Especially, if I see it firsthand.
Because if he pulls that shit when I’m around, I shudder at what he does when you’re alone.
So if you’re complacent in a relationship with a total douchebag– you probably don’t even want to be my friend.
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