Too often I see women with reservations, knowing that they should call off their wedding, but don’t. Whether it’s because they’re too embarrassed, they’ve spent a ton of money or it’s too close to the big day, there are immense pressures to follow through even if your gut tells you not to. Unfortunately, some don’t see the signs you should call off your wedding until it’s too late.
11 years ago, at age 22, I got engaged. I’d been dating Sharkie* for a little more than two years and felt like it was about freaking time that he popped the question. Almost three years later, I called off the wedding and we broke up. Yes, I’m the one who called it off. Me. The female. And holy shit, do I feel like I dodged a bullet! I’m sharing these signs you should call off your wedding to hopefully prevent you from going through with it, only to learn a hard lesson later.
Call It off If:
1. There’s an Emphasis on Timing
Because Sharkie and I had been dating a certain length of time, I thought we needed to be engaged. And I believed that engagements also had a standard length of time on them, so we set a date that fell in line. I did not see myself as “only 22” or even madly in love, I saw myself as someone who’d been dating and living with someone for X amount of time. So we should get married, duh.
Yes, I believe you should be with someone a couple of years before you get engaged. Yes, I believe you should live with someone for at least a year and a see what they’re like through every season before you get engaged. But in no way is there a mandatory length of time that you should be engaged within. It puts far too much pressure on the relationship.
This also goes for your age. If you feel like you’re getting older and should be married by now, you’re just as lost. Your age doesn’t make you ready for marriage, and while you may be ready– it doesn’t mean that the relationship is.
2. You Focus Too Much on Planning the Wedding
Hey there Bridezilla, calm the fuck down. No sane person with the exception of the Queer Eye boys can tell the difference between Peach and Apricot. The day itself, the wedding, the reception– all the details really don’t fucking matter. What matters is the day after, and all the days after that. If you’re more concerned with your big day being perfect than you are on having the perfect union, you need to check yourself. This is one of the huge signs you should call off your wedding and, honestly if you don’t he just might.
3. You Aren’t Focused Enough on Planning
When I was planning my wedding it was comparable to picking out a pair of socks for work. Just about every gown I tried on looked good, so I chose one I liked. No tears, no emotion, no big deal. I had themed colors in mind and flowers I liked. I chose the first venue I looked at. I tasted the cake and while none of it tasted all that great, I picked a flavor and gave the bakery a swatch of my colors along with “creative license” to do what they wanted. Oh yeah and invitations? I never even picked those out.
In essence, I just didn’t give a shit. And I wondered what the fuck all these other women were finding to be so stressful.
While you shouldn’t be totally insane about the planning, it’s probably not a good sign if you hardly care at all.
4. You Know You Aren’t in Love
I wasn’t in love with Sharkie. My feelings for him had fizzled in the very beginning of the relationship. Sure, over the years there were some spikes where I felt attracted and in love, but they were pretty few and far between.
Not being in love with someone is one of the major signs you should call off your wedding. If you’re not marrying for love, if you’re marrying for money, security or just to not be alone, your relationship is bound to fail.
5. You’re Afraid to Be Alone
I was never afraid to be alone because being alone simply wasn’t a reality for me. I was confident in the fact that no matter what, there would be someone to love me. Even if I didn’t love them back. That’s what I was afraid of most. While I wasn’t in love with Sharkie, we had a love together. I cared for him, I cared about his future, I was desperate not to hurt him with my “extra-curricular” activities because I really did have love for him.
I was scared to death I wouldn’t find that again. I didn’t believe I would ever find someone I would forever be in love with, and I didn’t believe I could find someone that I would care for on that level again. So I clung to fear, and to him.
You should be confident and happy enough with yourself before you even get into a relationship, not just married. You will meet someone that is right for you, don’t just settle for the sake of having someone. Chances are you won’t meet the right person if you’re too busy being with the wrong one.
6. You Have a Wandering Eye or Wandering Body Parts
Yes, I cheated. A lot. This should go without saying, but if you don’t think you cheating (or him cheating) is one of the signs you should call off your wedding– you’re crazy. Cheating means you are going outside the relationship to get your needs met and is usually a huge red flag of major relationship problems.
If you think once you’re married you’ll stop straying (or he will), you’re way wrong. Whatever you do, don’t walk down that fucking aisle.
7. You’re Only Doing It Because You Have a Kid Together
If you got pregnant and then immediately got engaged. Stop. Really, stop and think. Yes, having a child means that he will most likely (unless they’re a deadbeat) forever be in your life. However, it’s in a totally different fucking capacity than being married to them.
In this day and age, you don’t have to be married to raise a child together. You don’t have to get married in order to have kids. There are no longer rules to follow, just your own. Get married in your own time, when it’s right for the relationship, or not at all.
8. You Aren’t Happy
If you aren’t happy now, what makes you think you will be the day after the wedding? Think about this, you are supposed to be committing to someone for the rest of your life. That’s a long freaking time. If you aren’t happy with them before you say I do, chances are the magical wedded bliss fairy isn’t going to pay you a visit afterward either. Any problems you are having within the relationship beforehand will be magnified later.
I was never “happy” with Sharkie. We dated for 6 months before we became a couple and that 6 month period was a tug of war. Then we spent several months apart because of work, which made me unhappy. The happiest time we had was around our one year mark when we were living in a room in my dad’s apartment, and that quickly came to an end. We were together for almost 6 years, so unhappy and yet, prepping to marry. Isn’t that just sad?
Trust Your Gut
If any of these signs you should call off your wedding are ringing true, you need to stop and listen to your gut. Your gut knows the truth while your heart doesn’t care and your brain makes excuses to protect your heart. The divorce rate isn’t what it is because everyone goes into marriage perfectly and comes out burnt. It’s because the people getting married aren’t listening to themselves and stopping something that shouldn’t happen in the first place.
Don’t get married because you’re supposed to. Don’t get married because the other person wants to and you want to make them happy.
Get married because you love that person more than you love breathing. Because you want to grow old with them. Because you not only want to spend the rest of your life with them but because you can’t imagine the rest of your life without them. And because they feel exactly the same as you.
Do you have reservations about your upcoming nuptials? What are some other signs you should call off your wedding?
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