Despite the high divorce rate and the increased accessibility of cheating opportunities, people are still out there getting married. My (divorced) sister made a comment the other day that there are just so many options, that if you get sick of someone after 10 years or so-you can just bail. But what if you get sick of someone before you’ve even walked down the aisle? What if you wake up one day and that person is no longer who you thought they were, and instead of 10 years later-it’s a mere 10 months? What do you do? Do you take the ring back?
I have a lot of male friends, and plenty of other men come to me for advice, so I get to hear all kinds of stories. Apart from all of the Bratislava stag do stories, one of the most common ones are of women who, after getting what they “wanted”, become an entirely different person. Whether it is an engagement ring or they were able to “hold the crazy in” till the wedding day itself, I hear the story over and over.
The question I have for every guy who’s told me that their bride-to-be went off the reservation is, “So, why didn’t you break it off? Why didn’t you take the ring back, pack your shit and get out?
Blank stares. (Like they had no clue that was an option.) Excuses. (Because they’d already spent x amount of money.) They were more likely to tell me that they were worried about saving face, than uttering the words, “Well, because I loved her.” In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever heard that once. (Not that they didn’t. I’m sure they did at the time.)
So guys, I want to let you know, that if you no longer feel the same way about your girl before the big day-you need to take the ring back. And before you get the pitchforks out girls, I wrote a piece about when to call off your wedding, just for you.
Take the Ring Back
She Changed
Hey remember that chick who used to be so laid back and cool? For some reason, since the rock landed on her left hand, she’s been wound tighter than a pair of panties in the spin cycle. Suddenly, she’s bitching at you for things that she never seemed to mind before. She rolls her eyes at you and it seems like she’s constantly annoyed by your very presence. Nothing has happened, nothing else has changed, she just pretty much sucks to be around.
When to take the ring back: Try talking to her first and telling her how you feel. (Yes, feelings. Do your best to figure out what they are and then translate them into real words.) There could be something going on in her head that you don’t know about. People can act pretty strange when they aren’t being upfront with what they’re thinking/feeling. If this is just who she’s been the whole time and was just hiding under the relationship veil-get the hell out of there.
She Lied
It’s one thing when you start dating someone, to tell little lies. Maybe you don’t love IPAs but you can appreciate a good beer. Maybe you say you like dogs when in reality they terrify you, especially the tiny ones. Whatever the case may be, there comes a time where you realize the relationship is actually kind of going somewhere, so you need to a) Fess up or b) Pretend like you never said the lie in the first place, (unless it’s something huge, then you’re screwed and have to default to option a).
When to take the ring back: So big lies are what’s important here. Don’t go yanking the ring off her finger if it’s something that won’t directly affect you or the relationship in a major way. But yeah, if she’s been holding back some whoppers that make you go, “Who the fuck are you??” It might be time to set sail.
She’s Cheating
Is she suddenly acting shady? Does she always place her phone face down, never lets it leave her sight (even in the shower) and always leaves the room to take calls? Does she go out with “the girls” or a particular friend that she never seemed to care about before? Are you feeling like something is just off?
She could be cheating. Knowing that you just professed your desire to spend the rest of your life with someone who could potentially be betraying you not only hurts, but really sucks, for the plan you thought you had for your future.
When to take the ring back: You need proof. Yes, I know women are SO much better at not getting caught than men are, but if you flat out accuse her, without proof, you’ll create a bigger divide than the one you have now. So yeah, I’m giving you permission to snoop, (and you can tell her I gave it to you when you catch her cheating ass, and that cheating trumps snooping when it comes to relationship violations.) Note: I do not approve of snooping in normal circumstances, ONLY do this if you genuinely suspect her of cheating.
You’re Cheating
Why the hell would you ask her to marry you? What the hell is wrong with you? Are you being selfish and just want someone there for you all the time while you go do whatever you want? You are messing with someone else’s life here-it’s not all about you. And no, you won’t stop once you’re married. No, you won’t. Really, you won’t.
When to take the ring back: The millisecond you decided to step outside your relationship. Dick.
You Stopped Having Sex
Ah yes, sex. I’ve heard this countless times. She gets the ring and suddenly is no longer the sex animal you thought she was. You’re lucky if you get laid a fraction of the time you used to and blowjobs are a thing of the past. You’re feeling duped.
In every relationship, the sex will slow down, that’s totally normal. You may begin to feel tempted to start watching sites such as teeni.xxx more often, which again is completely regular. If you’re getting it on a somewhat regular basis, suck it up and use your hand for the times you’re missing out. But if she went from hot to cold with the flash of some bling, well …
When to take the ring back: Of course, you need to talk to her first and I wouldn’t jump straight to calling it off, but she needs to understand that you’re feeling like you signed up for something that no longer exists. Ask her what’s going on and why the change is so dramatic and see if she’s willing to step it back up a bit. You’ll begin to see if she was just faking the whole sex goddess thing real quick. You should be able to tell when your partner is faking it though, and if not, you might want to find More hints into how couples such as yourself are having sex by viewing amateur uploaded videos across the internet.
She Bullied You Into It
You don’t really want to get married but she more than twisted your arm, so now you are … Yay! That sort of makes you a coward … No?
It’s no secret that men are far less likely to want to get married than women are. We get it. There’s also a very big difference between a woman expressing her desire to marry you and tossing an ultimatum at your ass.
When to take the ring back: Sure, you didn’t want to lose her, so you gave in and popped the question. But if you aren’t sure she’s really the one you want to marry, you need to figure it out real quick. Don’t just go along for the ride or figure you can get divorced if it doesn’t work out.
When You Shouldn’t Take it Back
Wedding Stress
For some people, especially women, being engaged can be stressful. If your woman has launched into full on Bridezilla mode-she may deserve a pass. Just make sure that she’s only being crazy when it comes to napkin holders and that it’s not directly affecting your upcoming union.
Try to help her out. Yes, help her. Whether that means choosing between two shades of pink that look absolutely identical (because she asked your opinion) or negotiating hotel group room rates. Do what you can. Treat her to a massage/spa day when you think she’s especially wound and be her solace when she needs to bitch about her bridesmaids. It will go a lot further than you think.
Something Went Wrong
We all hate to think about it, but a death in the family, family illness or even if she becomes ill, can cause a tremendous amount of stress. Traumatic events can change a person without them realizing it, because they are somewhat running on a defense mechanism. If someone allows them to really feel those terrifying feelings all the time, they could break. Stress management can come along with displaced anger, and that anger could be directed at you.
If you are gearing up for “til death do us part,” this is a crucial moment you need to be solid for. This is not the time to be selfish. If you aren’t getting sex or are miserable because she is-you need to be there for her. Period.
This time will eventually pass, and your relationship will be so much stronger for it. It’s easy to be there with someone when times are good, but through the tough times is how you can tell you have a real life partner.
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You deserve happiness. If you’re doing something as huge as getting married you need to do everything you can to ensure that you aren’t consciously making a mistake. Nothing is worse than knowing you shouldn’t have done something and having it bite you in the ass later.
Should you have taken the ring back? Are you considering taking the ring back? Share!
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