I know how you got here. You’ve been scouring the Internet, looking for answers. Trying desperately to find a way to get him to look at you again the way he used to. You want your boyfriend to chase you again, you want to feel loved, valued and needed. For some reason, what you’re doing isn’t working and it’s landed you here.
I will let you in on something: This has happened to me.
I’ve been in my current relationship for almost 2 ½ years. At the 6-month mark, he moved in and freaked out almost immediately. We had our first fight and before I could realize what was happening, he began to slip away from me. At first, he was just as sad as I was, then a coldness came over him and it was like my tears meant nothing. He debated leaving. He believed things about our relationship that were completely all in his head. When he decided to stay, it was as though he was doing me a favor. I was a mess and I couldn’t understand what was happening, or how it had happened. The more I cried, chased, begged and pleaded with him; the further he got from me.
I had to make a decision. Do I let it run its course and fizzle out, or do I fight for him and our relationship?
I chose to fight. And it required me doing the opposite of everything I wanted to do.
7 Secrets to Get Your Boyfriend to Chase You Again
Secret 1: Stop Chasing, Stop Squeezing, Stop Talking
How the hell is he supposed to chase you if you’re chasing after him? The harder you squeeze, the harder he will wiggle to get away. And chances are you’ve talked the subject to death. The more you try to talk to him about it, the more likely he is to pull away.
If you want your boyfriend to chase you again, you have to stop all of the above. I know it’s hard, but you have to stop. You have re-killed the dead horse at this point. Whether you slap yourself every time you catch yourself chasing, squeezing or talking about it—force yourself to stop. Now.
Secret 2: Take Space, Give Space, Gain Perspective
If you live with him, you need to find a way to get away physically. Whether you get out of town for a week, a weekend or just go stay at a friend’s house. If not, you need to pull back and give him a breather. If you want your boyfriend to chase you again, you need to take space. Don’t be all dramatic about it, just do it.
I’m not saying that he’ll show up on your trip or your friend’s doorstep to profess his love—that shit only happens in romantic comedies. What I am saying is that getting away for a bit will take you out of the situation, help you clear your head and give him the space he needs.
During this time, do not text or call him unless it’s important. I’m not telling you to play games or go dead airwaves on him—that’s not cool—I’m saying that texting him to tell him you miss him, love him, etc. will completely defeat the purpose. For the most part, let him initiate. If he doesn’t, shoot him a courtesy text or a call to let him know you’re alive. The most important part is to remain unemotional and keep it short. Let him see that you can communicate without blubbering. Say goodnight, ask him to not forget to pick up cat litter—whatever, and then get off the phone.
Secret 3: Get a Life
You’re back. You’ve taken your space, gotten your head clear and you’re ready to take on the rest of the steps with a vengeance! Don’t be surprised if he isn’t throwing a welcome home party for you. If he missed you, he may or may not tell you. Do yourself a favor and don’t ask if he missed you and don’t offer that you missed him unless he says it first.
Now it’s time to get a life. Remember all those fun things you used to do? Start doing them again. If you don’t have a job, get one. Remember your girlfriends? Reach out to them and tell them you need to start getting out again (and if you’re the kind of girl who ditched them when you got a man, I suggest you beg for forgiveness and offer to buy the first round of drinks). Accept invitations that you normally would have in the past. Get dressed up and enjoy yourself.
He will see that you’re starting to be the girl he used to know and you will become attractive to him again. Don’t do this because you want him to chase you again, do it because you deserve to be happy, and these are the things that will get you there. If he’s the only thing that’s ever made you happy—you need more help than I can offer.
Secret 4: Let Him Be Himself & Make it About Him
If you want your boyfriend to chase you again, you need to accept him for who he is. You get to be you, right? It’s only fair that he gets the space to be him. I’m not saying it’s okay for him to be mean and hurtful—that’s not him being himself, that’s him being a dick. You don’t deserve that no matter what level your relationship is at, you got that? So unless he’s actively hurting your feelings or you, you need to relax on him.
Maybe he likes to hit the gym several days a week. Maybe he likes wearing cargo pants. Maybe he farts a lot. Maybe he watches dumb shows you can’t stand. The point is, you need to stop trying to fix him, change him, dress him or alter the way he acts. He was this way when you came along, so you need to accept him for it now.
Making it about him, means being there for him. If he has a bad day at work, is stressed about something, etc. you need to listen and be there for him. Don’t babble for an hour and a half about your friend drama, work drama, or TV drama; make it about him. He’ll start to realize how valuable you are again.
Secret 5: Let It Go
I don’t care how hard this time period was for you. If things are starting to go well again, or are back on track—you can’t punish him for it. You have to be willing to accept it as a blip on your relationship radar. You do; however, have every right to be cautious with your heart. It took me over a year and a half with a couple more “blips” to find my limit. Sure, I’ve let him know that it’s hurtful, but we’ve also grown stronger as a couple because of it. I didn’t give up on us just because he didn’t know what he wanted (a few times). However, after those few times I let him know that I wouldn’t be able to go through it again. I’m happy to say we’ve been blip free for about a year.
(UPDATE: Two years after writing this post, we have now been married for 7 months.)
Secret 6: Have Patience
Your boyfriend isn’t just going to leap up and chase you again if you employ these steps. You need to have patience. I know it’s hard and even heartbreaking. It’ll get back to where it needs to be in its own time. Things may start sliding into place immediately, they may take a few weeks or months, and there’s also the possibility that it’s too damaged to fix. You have to be both patient and accepting of all this. You may need to accept the fact that you just aren’t right for each other.
Secret 7: Cut Your Losses
So what if, like I mentioned above, the relationship is too damaged to fix? Cut your losses and move on babe. I know you want your boyfriend to chase you again, but if you’re not feeling loved or valued, what’s the point? You’re too badass to be with a guy who isn’t sure what he wants, or if he wants you.
Did you get your boyfriend to chase you again? If so, tell us how.
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